I used to imagine that someday I would have it all figured out. Someday the things that are hard now would be easy. Someday life would just be smooth sailing and I would get there as soon as I reached some unknown point. Whatever that imagined milestone was, I must have missed it. Or perhaps realizing that it doesn't exist is the milestone itself. At no point in life does it look like everything will get easier, that all the questions will be answered, that the direction of life will be known, safe, and straight.
I hadn't said anything about the plans that D and I were working on, mostly because there wasn't anything to tell. Of course, as soon as there was something to share, things changed before I had a chance to share it with you. About 10 days ago, D and I bought a ticket for him to fly back to America for job interviews. He had three lined up and was working on others. We were sold on the idea of moving and wanted to be someplace before Sky started Kindergarten in August. I spent my free time looking at houses, finding CSA's and meat shares, and imagining that I was finally going to get to be a stay-at-home-mom.
And then Sunday came and D headed to Ebeye to talk to the family there about a loose end in our decision making and came home with the news that our family was going to grow again.
We have known that Fire's birth mother was pregnant for a little while but they'd never indicated anything to us about another adoption. Water's nanny and Auntie both asked us if we were going to adopt the baby but I told them that the decision wasn't up to us. I did say that if we were asked, we would say yes but tried to make it clear that we wanted the baby to stay with it's birth parents if that's what they wanted. D and Jobe (Fire's birth father) had a man-to-man talk and he told D straight out that they wanted us to have the baby.
I was floored when D told me what happened because I'd been sure that they would want to keep it. D and I considered every possible option to try to still be able to move and to adopt but it's just not possible to do both at this point. I've been in a fog for almost a week, trying to unwind myself from one dream and gear up for another one. I'm having trouble getting excited about another addition the way I know I should be. In part, I feel bad for Water- he won't be getting as much time as the baby of the family as he should be. He's got a sweet and loving personality and he isn't really needy so I think he'll accept another sibling easily. In part, I'm anxious about having so many young children at once: in September, we'll have a five-year-old, a three-year-old, a one-year-old, and a newborn. That's a lot of littles. In part, I'm sad for D and the fact that he's sacrificing career advancement for our family.
Of course, I'm happy that our family will be growing. From the time we decided to start a family, we were sure we wanted a big one. We've also been told that the baby is a girl (determined by ultrasound) and it will be nice to have symmetry in the family. Sky is very excited about a baby sister and I think she'll be far enough removed age-wise to not see her as competition like she might have if they were closer in age. I'm happy that we get to help keep a family together as much as possible (of course, the best situation would have been for the baby to stay with Jobe and Elizabeth but it wasn't our choice to make). This baby will be Fire's full sister and I love that she and Fire will have each other as they grow.
So there you have it. Our life has taken yet another unexpected turn. We're cautiously happy as we step towards a future we didn't anticipate. Our road isn't straight or known but at least we're on it as a family.
See where I'm linking up here