All Stressed up and Nowhere to Go
I've been feeling like I want to pull my hair out this week, like I need to make big decisions and big changes and I don't know why. First I wanted to completely reorganize our finances so that Skycould be back in full-time preschool. Then I wanted to move to a house on the other end of the island. D finally talked me down from my crazy tree by pointing out that we need to give Sky a little more time to adjust to the baby (her nanny, Florina, favors Fire over Sky and she's taking it hard and lashing out) and that I'm unbearable to live with during a move. As usual, D is completely right.
I've been trying to figure out why I want to make such big changes when we've just made one and are just getting back on our figurative feet from it and I think it all has to do with control. I don't feel like I have a lot of control in my life right now, and I like control, even when it's imaginary. I was in charge of Fire's adoption process- I did the paperwork, sent the emails and made all the plans. We're home now and just living life and there's nothing left to manage there. Sky is two so there's no real way to manage her these days, it's all moment by moment. Fire is a baby and is in charge of his own schedule, which means that he takes control of my sleep schedule and I've spent the last eight years coming to terms with the fact that I can't control D. I don't have control of my house during the day because Florina is there, which means no more afternoon naps and no more leaving the house kind of messy. I'm working on planning our family vacation back to the states but since it's based on a work trip for D, it's out of my hands as well.
To try and work through my frustration at this lack of control, I'm looking at what specifically is making me unhappy and addressing just that thing. For example:
-Why do I want to move to a different house? I'm not happy with my current house. Why? It can seem really messy and I feel judged for it because there's someone else in the house all day. Solution? Spot clean the things that seem really messy and work more with Sky on cleaning up her toys when she's done with them. Also, I need to stop caring if Florina thinks the hood of my stove is dirty (really, that's what I'm wound up about- like that wouldn't get dirty in a new house too!).
-Why do I want to put Sky back in full time care? I worry that Florina isn't giving Sky the attention she needs and I'm pretty sure she's not teaching her Marshallese like we hoped she would. Solution? Sky's teacher, the wonderful Ms Carmen, has been to the house to talk to Florina about how to help Sky with her moods and her adjustment to the baby and she has also had Florina spend some time in the class room to see what they do there with Sky. I also need to give the situation more time. It's only been two weeks and of that, Florina's only been on her own all day with both kids for two days. It takes time for people to get in their grooves.
-What is Sky eating for lunch and snacks? Eating healthy isn't something most Marshallese know about and Florina doesn't push the healthy foods at lunch time and lets Sky eat whatever she wants for snacks. That means ramen and hot dogs for lunch and goldfish crackers for snacks Solution? Packed lunches. We have a few cute lunch boxes leftover from my packed lunch days and I've found a few good websites with ideas for variety. I'll pack a lunch and a snack the night before. It means more work for me but there will be more accountability in what Sky eats.
What do you do when your life feels out of control? What helps you embrace the chaos or whip things back into shape? I'll let you know how these small changes go. We've got a three day weekend coming up and we don't have much planned. I'm hoping the time off all together at the house gives us a chance to push the reset button and relax a bit.