I Wish I Could Be a Stay-at-Home Mom

  I never thought I would say those words: I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom.  There have been times when I felt like I should want to stay at home with my kids, that my desire to continue working and the fulfillment I got from it meant that I wasn't a good enough mom, but all that was never enough to make me really want to be home with the kids every day.  I tried staying home once before, when we were finally able to bring Sky back to Kwaj.  She was a six weeks shy of being old enough to go into daycare so D and I split our time home with her.  I took the morning shift and stayed with her until 2:30, then went to work for four hours.  Unsurprisingly, we all hated that schedule.  There was no downtime for any of us and I felt constantly stressed trying to work, run the house, and learn to be a parent.  My take-away from the experience was that I wasn't cut out to be a stay-at-home mom and that was that.
  For some reason, things are different now.  I genuinely want to be home with the kids every day.  Maybe it's because I've stepped back from some responsibilities at work.  Maybe it's because I'm homeschooling Sky a little bit, something I never thought I could do, and it's going really well.  Maybe it's because Fire is talking more and more and is growing into a really great little kid.  Maybe it's because until I went back to work, I'd been with Water for every day of his life and I miss him. 
  Unfortunately it's not in the cards for me to stay home with the kids right now.  Water's adoption, happening as quickly as it did, was a big hit on our finances, and we have Sky and Fire's citizenship trip coming up that we need to save up for.    Besides that, I enjoy my job and after working here for five years I've gotten really good at what I do.  Maybe someday I'll have the chance to be a stay-at-home mom but for now, it makes me happy just wanting to be one.


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